Mind Games

Hello Sisters in Marriage,
I am so sorry I have been MIA. I’ve just been a little out of sorts lately. It is because being THE GOOD NAIJA WIFE, I have been shouldering everybody else’s issues . . . like my husband says, it’s why we were born with broader shoulders.

So what has me down on the dumps? Well I just found out through the grapevine that the Foreign Wife of our Naija Brother has left him for good. Even though we didn’t part ways on the best of terms, I was still keeping my fingers crossed for her. I heard she went to see a psychologist like Dr. Phil. . . you know him right, the headshrinker who makes people. . . women believe in all sorts of trash. I’m sorry to say this but I think psychologists are the agents of the devil. They twists people’s minds, make them so warped they can’t think straight. I’ve seen there handiwork up close and personal and it isn’t a pretty sight.

One time A GOOD NAIJA WIFE I know was talked into going to see one by one of the women libbers who think asking your husband money to buy Sanitary Pad is bad, they claim it is the height of dependency. What nonsense, right? I know. . . I mean how else will husbands know when Rogue Housewives are using their periods as an excuse not to perform their wifely duties? Sometimes these women libbers scare me with the way they think. Anyway, the GOOD NAIJA WIFE was talked into see a psychologist and that charlatan ruined her life. After just two visits, he had her spouting crap. . . oops, pardon my English, what I mean to say was he had her reciting silly things like

“"Believe in yourself! You are NOT a worthless human being and nobody has the right to treat you as one! You are Beautiful in you own right and you do not need a man to validate you”

I was so shocked! Worthless? What did he mean worthless? I asked her if her husband told her she was worthless and she said no, I asked her if he still allowed her to wash his socks, cook his meals, press his clothes and she said yes to all of that. So you see why I was confused? It doesn’t end there, no ladies. . . it doesn’t, pretty soon she was strutting around the house, channeling her inner Aretha Franklin, singing R.E.S.P.E.C.T and disobeying to her Naija husband. . . an absolute NO NO.

The day I knew all was lost was when I went to her house and saw this picture hanging on the kitchen wall



Oh my heavens! I almost passed out from shock. Not apply to her? If it doesn't. . . then who? I ended our friendship right then and there. I heard she now works in the new Accounting Firm her husband opened just recently. I thought it was nice of him to include her name on the business and they say they a dynamic duo in the Accounting Buisiness. . . mmm okay, I guess everyone is just pretending she is not working and not just working but doing it along side her NAIJA HUSBAND. Some other wives think she used voodoo. . . me, I won’t say it but what other explanation can there be?

Well I hope you can see why I am a little down, Psychologist and Psychiatrist are destroying our home and nobody is doing anything about it. So I am using this as a warning and a call to arms to all GOOD NAIJA WIVES, please stay away from Psychologist and be on the look out for women libbers who want to use them as a tool to bring our husbands down to our levels in the guise of equal footing.

May our husbands continue to win the battle over our minds.

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to try to get out of this funk by baking some pies for my husband.

A Good Naija Wife.

Voodoo Using Naija Wives Aren't Good Naija Wives

Hello Fellow Naija sisters in Marriage
I want to talk about Naija wives who give other Naija wives a bad name. Today, I had the most interesting conversation with a friend. She was telling me about other Naija wives who knew their place, who knew never to question their husbands on his whereabouts, who never complain when their he comes home really late and demands sex. I listened to her, my heart swelling with pride until she said something. . . one word that brought me crashing down. She said these women allowed their husbands go anywhere he pleased.

Allowed?

Allowed?

Let me repeat it, They allow their husbands to go anywhere in the world?

Really?

I mean. . . it sort of implies they had the choice of . . . not allowing them? And then it hit me! Oh My God! What kind of jazz, juju, voodoo have these evil wenches used on their husbands? I'd never allow myself to be allowed to allow my husband cme and go as he pleased? It's so un-Good Naija Wife like because it makes you look like a shrew. I am very happy with the way things work for us, thank you very much and i wouldn't change it for he world,

For instance, just this morning I woke up to find a note on my pillow with the words “Going away for the weekend, won’t be back until Tuesday” (The I was dotted with a heart. . . Isn’t that just the cutest?). Honestly, it’s times like these I am so happy my husband makes me have an overnight bag packed and ready to go, so I don’t have to scramble all over the place, trying to get his clothes, shoes and tooth brush fedexed to him. He is so considerate that way. . . And again, I am not bragging, just trying to show that a good Naija really can get her reward here on earth too and you don’t need no stinky jazz to do it.

Ladies, remember the husband is the head of his wife, therefore his world and ONLY his words matter. Please fellow Naija sisters in marriage, be ever vigillant of this ugly trend of having a say spreading around or you just might find yourself being branded a Voodoo Using Naija Wife.

May the heavens give us the strenght to keep our opinions to ourselves.

A Good Naija Wife.

The Problem With Mixed Marriages

I am very miffed today, I could scream but I won’t, I know how unladylike it is to do such a thing. Honestly ladies, if you are anything like me, I’m sure you understand why anger is not a good thing for a Good Naija wife. . . It sets the tone for the day and it might end up ruining our Husbands’ mood.

First of all, I want to make it very clear that I am not racist or anything but Naija men who marry foreigners make me so mad! These women don’t understand our ways and all they do is complain. I was at the grocery store getting steak for my husband’s dinner when this woman approached me, I guess she figured I was a Naija wife, since I had the tag with MRS (my husband's name) on my neck. Anyway, she wanted to know if I could tell her how to cook Efo riro, gbegiri and laafu for her Nigerian. . . Yoruba husband.

At first I wasn’t going to but then I thought of the poor Naija man who is probably reduced to eating toast, mashed potatoes and gravy morning afternoon and night. So I called my husband at work to seek his permission and of course he was absolutely receptive to the idea of teaching another woman the art of catering to her husband’s every need. Having gotten permission, we went to a coffee shop and started talking and she told me the real reason why she wanted to learn to cook for her husband’s native food.

Apparently, he had told her she wasn’t Nigerian enough for him. . . this after 6yrs of marriage and a son. He told her he was seeing another Nigerian woman (Whoopii! They always come back home) because she (the wife) worked too many long hours. . . she tried to excuse it by saying she had no choice coz she didn’t want the Landlord kicking them out for not paying rent but I immediately told her not to even go there. That was such a flimsy excuse, working long hours to keep the roof over your family’s head?

What crock!

Anyway, the new girl is an illegal in the country, she can’t work and most likely relies on the Naija man for money. . . obviously why he fell for her. Lastly, he told her (his foreign wife) he didn’t want to be seen with her outside their home i.e no going to church or party with him. . . can you blame him? She is not a Naija wife.

Upset and at a loss on what to, she sought advice from our fellow Naija sisters who immediately told her not to lose hope, despite the fact that he does not come home to sleep. The lovely, generous Naija sisters also told her to go learn how to cook his food coz you know the old saying. . . the way to a man’s heart his through his stomach.

So there you have it.

I won’t lie to you ladies. . . I was ready to get up and leave after she finished telling her story because I was so disgusted! This woman is such a deceiver! Can you imagine what length she must have gone to convince her poor husband she was Nigerian for 6 years! Six good years!! Thank God for the asylum seeking Naija girlfriend who opened his eyes and he finally realized the other woman wasn’t Nigerian enough for him. . . . but that’s six years down the drain!

Anyway, since I had already called my husband to seek his permission to help this one, I called him back to tell him how I couldn’t help this woman because of her deceiving ways. He calmed me down and told me to remember the Naija child in the middle of this mess, he reminded me that our goal was to take our families back from the axis of evil. Fight the terrorist outside the home. . . so we don’t have to fight them in our home.

So I stayed and decided to help this foreigner keep one of our brothers. First stop, was gaining his love back and it had nothing to do with cooking his favorite food. . . . at least not yet. We needed to bring him home first and the only way to do it is taking care of his Asylum seeking Naija Girlfriend.

I have to stop here for today but I will continue as soon as I get the chance to.

Love and Kisses for our Naija husbands.

A Good Naija Wife

Taking Care of Business. . . The Good Naija Wife Way

First I want to apologize that it took me forever to post an update. I had to transcribe the conversation I had with this woman from the tape recorder my husband makes me carry around so at the end of the day he can listen to my conversations and critique it. He is very generous that way, I honestly don’t know how he manages to find the time seeing as how he a busy man.
Anyway, this will posted in the exact manner as it was spoken.

Re: Asylum Seeking Girlfriend

His new woman is an asylum seeker? Ah, so you had this ace up your sleeve yet you carried on like you had no bargaining chip. Honestly, women surprise me sometimes. Forget cooking for him, learning his language or trying to become a Nigerian by force. . . it is time to think outside the box. You gotta set yourself apart from the rest, instead of trying to conform. . . show him how unique you are.

Do you have a guy friend or a brother who won't mind helping a foreigner get her papers via marriage? If you do, good. . . the sooner the better but if you don't, start looking, some of them will do it for money but I don't think this will be an issue for you seeing as you are working yourself to the bone. . . 80 to 90hrs, right? Perfect! I believe once you do this. . . helping your husband's girlfriend get her papers, he'll know for sure that you love him. . . just in case marrying him at 17, having his baby, working 1000hrs a week to put a roof over his head, clothes on his back, food in his bottomless pit of a stomach, isn't enough proof that you. Trust me, it would put you back in the race, even on the lead for his affection because the sad truth is not many Nigerian women will do that.

Please feel free to add you own valuable advice, remember it is our Naija Brother. . . a man like our Naija husbands who benefits.

I'll post more soon, now I have to get my husband's hot blanket ready.

Blessings upon our Husbands.

A Good Naija Wife

Taking Care of Business. . . The Good Naija Wife Way (pt 2)

Good Evening my fellow Naija sisters in marriage,
Continuing the advice column, our foreign naija sister in marriage told me to that some people adviced her to wait for her husband, that it was just a phase he will soon pass through and guess what she said? I’m still too shocked to even repeat it but I will try, she said she does not think so, that she can’t put her life on hold waiting for him to come back, besides he was already half living with the other girl. She told she was thinking about forgetting the whole pleasing him thing and just move with her life.

Oh my God! I almost passed out from shock, I knew something had to be done soon and done fast or out Naija brother will lose his wife. So this this what I told her


LET HIM KNOW YOU ARE WILLING TO WAIT OUT THIS PHASE!!

And I mean literally wait. . . drive him to his refugee girlfriend's camp

Then WAIT in the car for him to finish whatever.

He will be so happy, he's smile all the way back home. . . trust!

Whatever he asketh thou giveth. If he sayeth jump, thou asketh how high!!

As always, please feel free to add your own advice.

May we never be put in situation where we can't please our Husbands.

Thank you,

A Good Naija Wife.

Taking Care of Business...The Good Naija Wife Way (pt3)

Hi Fellow Naija sisters in Marriage,
I need your help on something. Normally, I'd take this straight to my husband but like I said earlier, he is away for the weekend and he hates to inconvenience me with phone numbers where I can reach him. He says. . . Oh listen to this, it just the sweetest thing ever. . . He says he doesn't want me worrying my pretty little head with details like that. Tee hee hee. . . He called me pretty.

Okay, this is my issue. . . Ever since my husband permitted me to spread the word, I have been getting emails telling me to stop pretending. . . They think I'm a man (like I could be so lucky) but the latest emails have me so confused. It all started when I blogged about the latest advice I gave the foreign wife of our Naija brother. Before meeting me, someone had told her to invite her husband and his illegal immigrant girlfriend to dinner and that after eating, she should strip naked and show the girl her body. . . You know pointing at her breast, saying this is what our child suckled on, point to her stretch marked stomach, saying this is the evidence of my hard labor. . . You know like our grandmothers and great grandmothers were advised to do in the olden days. Of course being the foreigner she is, she found the whole idea appalling and she said she wouldn't do it. Once again, she said she was giving up on her marriage. Oh honestly, I've come to hate those words. . . Giving up.

Anyway, I knew I had to be firm so I told her that while I agree with the dinner invitation, I thought the whole idea of her stripping naked was just. . . Ughhh! I mean what's the point right? No one, least of all her husband is interested in her naked body, which is why he's with someone else. . . The same Someone she was lucky to have in her home. I said instead embarrassing herself showing her stretch marked body, she should beg the girl to undress, so she can see what her husband is enjoying, hopefully she would find something she can replicate on hers. I told her how very few people know Insurance cover plastic surgery these days, how surgeries no longer require you to stay overnight, so she can go in the morning, get surgery by noon and be home, as a new and improved woman for her husband by dinner. I was all set to get her the list of approved doctors when I started getting the comments calling me a man.

Now, If they had called me a man and left it at that, I wouldn't be confused but they called me Sadistic Man. A Sadistic man? What's that? What sense does it even make? It's like saying a white black or a wet dry or an up down, do you see what I mean? So please I beg of you, can you ask your husbands to help me out on this issue.

Thank you and may the heavens continue to shower all Naija men with intelligence to help the women with their problems.

A good Naija wife.

Handling Business...The Good Naija Wife Way (pt 4)

Hello My fellow Naija sisters in Marriage,
First of all, I want to thank you all for taking my problems to your husband and they are right. I’ll just ignore the bad emails from the westernize women and carry on with my blogging. My goal to spread my own brand of Estherism takes priority. If I can get through only half a dozen women, I can go to my grave a Happy Good Naija Wife.

Speaking of spreading my brand of Estherism, I think I am going to wash my hands off the Foreign Wife of Our Naija Brother. Not only is she stubborn, she also did something to me that just make me so very angry. Okay it all started when I gave her what will be my last advice. See, throughout our conversation, I perceived she didn’t have any friend. Now, I could be wrong. . . but I don’t think I am because my husband told me I am a very perceptive person, like three days when he came home smelling of woman’s perfume, I did not need him to tell me he had gone to the store to buy me a present for my birthday which is in August. I think he’s also going to buy me some lipstick because I saw lipstick stain on the collar of his shirt. Okay, I know some of you are thinking. . . what is the big deal? Well it’s a big deal because my husband hates shopping and for him to allow the sales girl spray the perfume on him for try out and even have her press her lips on his shirt to see what shade will look good on me is a HUGE DEAL! God, I was so excited. . . I didn’t think I could wait until August to thank him, so as soon as I put his shirt in the washing machine, I sat down and penned him a lovely note.

“My love, I know what you did today and I can’t believe you did that for me. I hope you had fun and wouldn’t mind repeating the experience again. . . and often” Love your Sweettums

I tucked the note under glass of wine I usually serve him at night and waited for him to read it. At first he tried to pretend he had no idea what I was talking about. . . oh what a prankster that one, but after I explain how I had smelt the perfume on his shirt and saw the lipstick on his color and putting two and two together, I came to the conclusion that he was buying me a present, he smiled. . . put his feet on my lap and told me I am a perceptive person.

I hope that erases any doubt on my perceptive ability. Anyway, that’s why I believe TFENB didn’t have any friends and to help her out, so I told her she needed one and the best person for the job is her husband’ girlfriend.

Below is a transcript of our conversation

Being friends with the refugee girl is actually good for you. From the way you’ve been talking, I get the sense that you don’t have many friends and women need friends, they do. . . to unburden their troubles, you know what I mean? Be friends with her, tell her all your problems and seek her advice on how to get your husband back and make sure you follow her words of wisdom, okay? Never joke with the wise words of a friend, especially one who is sleeping with your husband, obviously she knows him more than you do. . . you know, because he wants to be with her, not you.

This is how you how you go about making friends. . . If after having the surgery, your husband still refuses to be yours, he is still adamant that it’s over between you two and you should find yourself another man because he has moved to another woman, you move to plan B - Invite the refugee girl for dinner, that alone will put you on the fast track to being friends with her because you have to imagine they don't feed the refugees well in those camps, so inviting her for a home cooked meal sure will be nice. After dinner, nonchalantly suggest she spend the night. . . while they are still reeling over this BAM! You hit them with another one. . . they can have your bed!!

Once they agree to it, you hit them with your 3rd demand, tell them you want to watch them do it so you can take notes. . . some pointers on how to please your husband. Please, don’t feel for being this demanding, besides It's the least the refugee girlfriend can do now, after all she just eat dinner you cooked and knowing how nice you are, you probably won't let her do the dishes like they make them do in the camp.


Oh dear, your husband will wake up with a wide smile on his face and it will be all thanks to you. That’s the way you have to play it, the change won’t be immediate but trust me, if you continue this way, you be a Good Naija wife in no time. Some people would suggest you let her use your towel after the morning bath you draw for her but I think it’s taking things too far. . . to a whole other level.

I had barely completed my sentence when she jumped to her feet and called me mad. She said I was a brainless twit and before I knew it, she had called the nearest Psyche Hospital. As soon as she told them everything I had said, they wanted to have me committed and would but for the ringing of my phone. It was my husban calling to tell me he had c ut his travel short and he'll be home in time for dinner. As soon as the Psyche Institution staff heard my husband was Nigeria all five of them mouthed "Oh of course" and that's how they let me go.

I told the foriegn women never to contact me again, she said I didn't need to tell her twice and we both parted ways. I hope we never meet again because I don't want to be tainted for my Husband.

A Good Naija Wife.

Marital Chart For all Good (Naija) Wives

My Dear Naija Sisters in Marriage,
Let us take a moment to rate ourselves, see what areas we are good at and what needs improvement. Don't be sad if you scored low, just be happy your husbands won't see the result. . . yet, so you have a chance to work on yourself until you are perfect.



Good Luck

A Good Naija Wife

INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG (NAIJA) BRIDE

Hello Fellow Naija sisters in marriage,
I am taking a break from my advice giving column because something important came up. I was looking at my husband’s calendar, to see what he has planned for the next few months so I can work my schedule around it, when I noticed that from now until Jan, we have been invited to about 15 weddings. This pleases me because it mean more Naija women have not fallen into the single but happy women group. It also made me realize that even though us married Naija sisters give each other advice, we never really pay attention to the newly wedded Naija sisters. So in this column, I will be advising them on what to expect and what is expected of them from the moment the get that prized ring on their fingers and the wonderful title of MRS added to their names.

INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE

To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is the happiest day of her life. There is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life.

At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure, which is absolutely the way it should be since your pleasure comes from pleasuring your husband. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE A LOT, GIVE ALWAYS, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GENEROUSLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become a boring affair for your husband

The bride's pleasure must not be more than her husband's because it is not about her. While sex is at best sweet and interesting it is enjoyed on the minimum by the bride, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.

It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to think about her needs too. While the ideal husband would be one who would attend to his wife's needs also, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.

Most men denied of sex, will look somewhere else for it. The wise bride will be ever ready to priovide her husband stimulating sexual experiences as often as needed. As time goes by she should make every effort to increase this frequency.

Feigned wellness, alertness, and welcoming your husband with open arms are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Never Argue, nag, scold or bicker not matter how late in the evening the husband commences his seduction.

Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of improving and encouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have an increased sexual contacts to at least 2 times a day by the end of the first year of marriage and to 5 times a day by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of never having to worry about pregnancy after sexual contacts with the husband. So more giving is encouraged.

Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as high as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to being open to the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather creative and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most interesting practices. These practices include among others having sex in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own bodies to be mouthed in turn.



Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are great habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.

A wise bride will make it her goal to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and always allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, should be practiced at anytime of the day. Many women have found it useful to have flimsy sleepwears for themselves and boxer shorts and briefs for their husbands. It makes the business of sex faster and easier.




During sex, the wife should make as much as noise as possible. This will be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.

A good wife encourages her husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.


She should never babble about her housework while his huffing and puffing away. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start praising him about performance. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from praises immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that she extols his sexual powress. Otherwise, he might not be encouraged to soon try for more.

One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep right in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage with the belief that that his wife's body is his to do as he pleases.The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit. . . to remain married at all cost

The Good (Naija) Wife Guide

Hi fellow Naija sisters in marriage,
I can't tell you how wonderful my husband has been about this blogging hobby. Honestly, words can't express how much I love him. Last night, he gave me 30 mins out of his one hour feet rubbing routine to update this blog. He is so impressed by what I am doing here...trying to spread the word, he has even started helping me out a bit. He finds news articles and such for me to post, which makes thing easier since he normally approves everything I write before I publish them. Please don't think I am bragging, I am not I just want you to understand that being the perfect Naija wife has its rewards on earth too.

Anyhoo, the article I want to post today, speaks to me in so many ways and I hope it does the same to you also. I'll even recommend you print it out and post it on your refrigerator.

It's call The Good Wife Guide.

Be Blessed with love and adoration for your husband as you read it.
HZW

PS
Please pay close attention to the last sentence.